The Annual Performance Review Circus

Ah yes, the yearly ritual where my boss tells me I “exceeded expectations” in a tone that suggests I barely exceeded being alive. Then I nod while they explain that raises are “frozen,” but somehow the company just announced record profits and a new espresso machine for the executive lounge.

We both know the system is broken. I meet deadlines, solve crises, train the interns, and occasionally talk Janet down from her weekly printer meltdown. But sure, let’s call it “meets expectations” and reward me with a $10 Starbucks card. Meanwhile, Brad — who once microwaved fish in the break room — somehow got “exemplary” because he showed up to three Zoom calls on time.

And don’t forget the “self-assessment” portion. I love being asked to rate myself on a scale of one to five in categories like initiative and leadership. If I give myself a five, I look arrogant. If I give myself a three, I look like I hate my job. If I give myself a four, it just proves I don’t understand how numbers work. Basically, I lose no matter what.

Then comes the feedback: “You should work on being more proactive.” Excuse me? I just proactively did your job last Tuesday when you forgot the client presentation on your desk.

By the end of the meeting, I’ve got whiplash from nodding and a colorful new “growth plan” that’s basically just the same job description I had last year with the word synergy thrown in twice.

So yes, thank you for another rousing performance review season. I can’t wait to circle back next year and perform the same sad little dance again. 🎪

-Chris